Dec 31

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year

I would like to wish all of you a happy, healthy and prosperous new year. As always, thanks for all your support throughout the year. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I’ll be in touch soon with an update about what’s brewing as well as when you can expect to see a new book from me.

Be well, my friends.

Bernie

Sep 29

American Midnight – Free Promo – Today’s the Last Day!

American Midnight final v2 6-2-2013 copy

Hi everyone,

Today is the last day of my free promotion for American Midnight, the first book in my Damaged Po$$e series.

It continues to be ranked in Amazon’s Top 10 for the 3rd day in a row and over 32,000 copies have been downloaded.

Don’t miss out on this one. I don’t do “freebies” very often so please take advantage of this offer today. It expires tonight at midnight PST.

Thanks to all of you who have already read the book, commented, sent me a note telling me how much you enjoyed it…the list is long as is the number of people I need to thank for their ongoing support.

Happy reading!

Bernie

Just click the link below for your free copy:

http://amzn.to/1gONQ2q

Sep 28

American Midnight – Free Promo Weekend – Today and Tomorrow

Thanks to everyone for helping make Day 1 of my American Midnight promo so successful. We’re approaching 30,000 total downloads and it hit #4 in the overall Amazon ranking last night. Currently it’s at #5 in the overall and #1 in the Comedy/Humor category. The promo will continue today and tomorrow so if you haven’t had the chance to grab a copy, please feel free to do so over the weekend. I don’t do free giveaways very often so this is your chance to get the first book in my Damaged Po$$e series at no cost. Enjoy and thanks again for your help and support.

Be well, my friends.

American Midnight final v2 6-2-2013 copy

http://amzn.to/1gONQ2q

Jul 07

Some Changes Going On Around Here

Hi folks,

I hope all of you are getting the chance to enjoy summer with family and friends. (And for those Po$$e members below the equator, hang in there. Your summer is just around the corner.)

You probably noticed the site’s new look and feel. I’ve been busy updating it the past several weeks and it’s getting close to the way I want it. I’ve added some links and feeds and made some changes to the navigation I hope you’ll like. All my book covers have also been redone and I think they now have a more consistent look and feel. As always, I’d love to hear any feedback you have about the changes.

So I thought I’d take the time to share the covers and “reintroduce” you to the books. Happy reading and I’ll talk with you soon.

****

Divorce Hotel new cover 6-22-2013 copy

If love is hell, what does that make divorce?

That is one of life’s great questions for John Germaine, a divorced man who has bought an old bed and breakfast inn and turned it into a refuge for recently divorced men. But faced with a crushing, ongoing alimony payment to his ex-wife, Margaret, an aspiring, yet sadly uninspiring actress, John has reached the end of his tether. And it’s either get Margaret married or take drastic measures. With the assistance of his permanent residents and his new housekeeper, Emily, who just happens to be the ex-wife of Margaret’s new fiance, John puts a plan together to get Margaret off his back, if not out of his life permanently. With a houseful of residents that includes a hygiologist whose mission in life is to make America smell better, a mantologist with a Vegas lounge act, and a political consultant down on his luck, Divorce Hotel comes out swinging on page one and doesn’t let up.

****

 

You could wait for the movie or until someone turns this into a television show, but why bother? Read it now. It’s razor-sharp satire and funny as hell. It might even make you think twice about divorce as an option.

****

American Midnight final v2 6-2-2013 copy

Doc White wakes up in a Las Vegas hotel suite a very confused man with a massive tequila hangover. As he reflects on the previous day’s events that included his wife walking out on him and with their joint savings, the return of the voice in his head, his subsequent loss of another $150,000 at the blackjack tables, and then waking up next to a total stranger, Doc’s already damaged life has taken another serious dip downward. In order to pay off his new debt, Doc is forced to do something he vowed years ago never to do again; take a corporate job. Doc’s new boss, an octogenarian Chinese casino owner with a taste for curling and political intrigue, along with the return of an old love help to reenergize Doc as he tries to rebuild his life in Sin City. At a major crossroads, Doc draws on the expertise of Merlin, his coke-addled, phobic colleague from a prior life and Summerman, a part-time ghost who is certain he can help Doc deal with the voice in his head. By the time this initial installment in B.R. Snow’s Damaged Posse series is wrapped up, Doc, Merlin, and Summerman have joined forces and are armed and ready to wreak havoc on the bad guys as well as themselves.

****

A really strong opening novel in what has real potential to become an incredibly popular series. It’s unusual to see multiple, fully-developed main characters juggled as seamlessly as they are here and B.R. Snow has set the Damaged Posse series up in a way that provides himself with a wide variety of directions to move in future volumes. The storylines are compelling, the characters pop off the page, and Snow displays a sense of irreverence which serves him well as he takes on greed, hypocrisy, and the vagaries of relationships. Best of all, he is one very funny writer. Don’t miss this one and the ones that follow. Comic crime hasn’t looked this good is a very long time.

****

Larrikin Cover final 5-17-2013 copy

Gene has a bit of a problem. Several actually. He’s wrapping up a year-long, high-end matchmaking scam that has proven to be most profitable but, in the process, he’s lost the love of his life to a billionaire. Now to help mend his broken heart, he’s back in Las Vegas finishing up another lucrative scam. But the FBI is on his trail and Gene discovers that the agent in charge is none other than the hapless Roger Gentry, a high school acquaintance with whom he shares a tenuous past. To make matters worse, Gene is soon sleeping with the other agent on the case who turns out to be Gentry’s fiancé.

To cool things off, Gene decides it’s time for a well deserved vacation Down Under. He brings his father along, an ex-convict whose biggest wish in life is to work one scam with his son before he dies. And before Gene can even get a chance to catch his breath and enjoy his time off, he finds himself running the ultimate con; one that threatens to irrevocably change his life. Fortunately for Gene, the Po$$e needs his help and Doc, Summerman and Merlin follow him to Australia to do a little recruiting and provide Gene with a possible way out of his current predicament.

****

“Cold beer, beachfront property, elaborate double crosses and exploding pigs. What more could you want? Larrikin Gene delivers a touching but hysterical take on the question of nature versus nurture. This second installment in the Damaged Po$$e series provides additional testimony to what was said about the series’ first book, American Midnight; this is a series to watch out for.”

****

Sneaker World cover final 5-18-2013 copy

Sir Bentley Carruthers, sneaker magnate and exploiter of the poor on four continents, has decided to expand his empire into the lucrative field of biopiracy. He’s purchased a small group of islands from the Indian government ostensibly to assist with recovery efforts after a devastating tsunami. So he’s built a sneaker factory on one of the islands along with a high-end resort that caters exclusively to the uber-rich. Unfortunately for Sir Bentley, Doc and the rest of the Damaged Posse are well aware of what his real motives are. And the fact that Sir Bentley has been selling weapons technology to the highest bidders also hasn’t gone unnoticed. After the Posse arrives on the island, they embark on their strangest and funniest adventure yet that is filled with dense jungles, a lost tribe, cantankerous girlfriends, shoulder-fired missiles, and a safari suit wearing antagonist you’ll love to hate.

****

The soft underbelly of globalization is exposed and fully taken to task. Like the previous books in the Damaged Posse series, Sneaker World opens up on several fronts, folds back on itself and seamlessly combines a strange collection of characters into one hysterical narrative.  Three books into this fantastic series, B. R. Snow continues to deliver the goods.

****

Summerman Final Cover 6-2-2013 copy

In the eagerly anticipated fourth book in B.R. Snow’s popular Damaged Posse series, Summerman finds himself staying close to home and, of course, he isn’t shy about enlisting the help of his three cohorts in crime. Set in the magnificent surroundings of the Thousand Islands, Summerman needs to juggle several problems simultaneously and each one brings along its own challenges and predictably hysterical outcomes. Summerman is faced with stopping his uncle’s Senate campaign along with the plan he and his defrocked priest partner in crime have come up with. Summerman also has to deal with the return of his ex-girlfriend, Grace, and her two daughters as well as his nephew’s plan to put Summerman’s band back together. On top of all that, Summerman’s grandmother, Mamo, has a few surprises in store as well. Doc, Merlin, Gene are all back as is Murray and, unfortunately for Uncle Dick, he is in particularly fine form.

****

One of the funniest and surprisingly poignant books to come along in a very long time. One part murder mystery, one part crime adventure, one part love story; all parts fall on the floor laughing. Summerman is simply a great book. The Damaged Posse series has officially become my favorite.

****

Jun 12

Ask An Agent

Modern Good Reads presents: ASK AN AGENT

Goodreads Banner

Come join Seth Fishman, Literary Agent representing Alex Grecian, our Book of the Month author of THE YARD, and the sequel, BLACK COUNTRY.
GIVEAWAYS:

THE YARD, now–June 14th

MGR-Black Country-The Yard Giveaway

BLACK COUNTRY June 12th–14th

ASK THE AGENT: Seth and Alex have graciously agreed to answer questions from Modern Good Reads members related to traditional publishing, an agent’s role in publishing, and all those myriad things we all want to know about working with agents and New York publishers.

http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/1364920-ask-an-agent-agent-reading-giveaway

Seth Fishman’s bio:

Seth Fishman (me) was born and raised in Midland, Texas (think Friday Night Lights) and received his MFA in Creative Writing from the University of East Anglia in Norwich, England (think cold and rainy and millions of castles). His YA thriller, The Well’s End, is the first in a series and the protagonist, Mia Kish, is roughly inspired by a hometown drama that (when I was young) really blew him away: (http://articles.latimes.com/2012/oct/…). When not writing, Seth is a literary agent at The Gernert Company (www.thegernertco.com), and thinks writing and agenting are the two very best jobs in the world.

Agent/Publications & Experience:

I’ve been a literary agent for over eight years, beginning at Sterling Lord Literistic, Inc. (www.sll.com) and now, for the past three years, at The Gernert Company (www.thegernertco.com). My list is deliberately wide-reaching, as I’m fervently of the mind that good writing and strong stories can be found in any genre. For sake of ease, however, a few published examples in varying categories I rep:

Literary Fiction: NYTimes Bestseller and Orange Prize winner Tea Obreht’s The Tiger’s Wife, Liz Moore’s Heft, Alex Gilvarry’s From the Memoirs of a Non-Enemy Combatant
Hugo winner Will McIntosh’s Love Minus Eighty, Ted Kosmatka’s Locus finalist The Games.

Thriller: Alex Grecian’s Bestselling The Yard and The Black Country, Ted Kosmatka’s Prophet of Bones.

NonFiction: NY Times Bestseller Maria Konnikova’s Mastermind: How to Think Like Sherlock Holmes, BoingBoing Science Editor Maggie Koerth-Baker’s Before The Lights Go Out.
Graphic/comic/illustrated: #1 NYTimes Bestseller Kate Beaton’s Hark! A Vagrant, Matt Kish’s Moby Dick In Pictures

Young Adult: Nora Price’s Zoe Letting Go, Shawn Goodman’s Something Like Hope
Picture Book: Matthew Olshan’s The Mighty Lalouche (This is just out, his future books I rep).
Forthcoming publications (in the next 3/4 months): The Thousand Names by Django Wexler, What The F Should I Drink by Zach Golden, and The Age of Ice by J.M. Sidorova.

Seth Fishman’s debut novel:
The Well’s End, a YA thriller, due out from Putnam YA February 2014. COVER REVEAL June 11th 2013: http://io9.com/
Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Wells-End-Seth-Fishman/dp/0399159908/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1370547143&sr=8-1&keywords=the+well%27s+end

A childhood accident, a bizarre outbreak, and an impossible discovery…

Mia Kish is afraid of the dark. And for good reason. When she was a toddler she fell deep into her backyard well only to be rescued to great fanfare and celebrity. In fact, she is small-town Fenton, Colorado’s walking claim to fame. Not like that helps her status at Westbrook Academy, the nearby uber-ritzy boarding school she attends. A townie is a townie. Being nationally ranked as a swimmer doesn’t matter a lick. But even the rarefied world of Westbrook is threated when emergency sirens start blaring and the school is put on lockdown, quarantined and surrounded by soldiers who seem to shoot first and ask questions later. Only when confronted by a frightening virus that ages its victims to death in a manner of hours does Mia realize she may only just be beginning to discover what makes Fenton special.

The answer is behind the walls of the Cave, aka Fenton Electronics. Mia’s dad, the director of Fenton Electronics, has always been secretive about his work. But unless Mia is willing to let her classmates succumb to the strange illness, she and her friends have got to break quarantine, escape the school grounds, and outsmart armed soldiers to uncover the truth about where the virus comes from and what happened down that well. The answers they find just might be more impossible than the virus they are fleeing.

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/6561855.Seth_Fishman
Website: www.sethasfishman.com
Twitter: @sethasfishman.com
Tumblr: http://sethasfishman.tumblr.com/

Alex Grecian:

http://alexgrecian.com/

http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/357573.Alex_Grecian

▼JOIN SETH FISHMAN & ALEX GRECIAN June 12th through June 14th▼

http://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/1364920-ask-an-agent-agent-reading-giveaway

▼SUBMIT MANUSCRIPTS TO SETH FISHMAN TO WIN AN AGENT READING▼

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1ppZhundtcvCaTkTsWEJOX_EdGZ8ihAdHs22qcNV0A_w/viewform

▼Giveaway Rafflecopters below (Win Signed Copies)▼
Exclusively for MODERN GOOD READS members.
If you are not a member, you must join MODERN GOOD READS to qualify.

Jun 06

The Yard – Giveaway on Modern Goodreads

Hi folks,

Modern Goodreads is sponsoring a giveaway that I thought you might like to check out.

Lot’s of interesting things happening in this Goodreads group.


Have a great one.

B.R.

MGR-Black Country-The Yard Giveaway

MODERN GOOD READS PRESENTS:

BOOK OF THE MONTH & GIVEAWAY:

The Yard by Alex Grecian
June 5th–JUNE 14th

May 29

Modern Goodreads Group Event

Hi folks,

I thought you would be interested in this event that starts tomorrow. Modern Goodreads is a group I’m a proud member of and it’s a great combination of authors, reviewers, and voracious readers.

If you’ll excuse the brief shameless plug, you’ll notice that American Midnight, book #1 in my Damaged Posse series is available for FREE from Thursday, May 30th through Saturday, June 1st. If you haven’t already read it, this is a great chance to head over to Amazon and grab a free copy. http://amzn.to/SUTrYm
Happy reading.

Bernie

Goodreads Banner

MODERN GOOD READS PRESENTS:

MEMBERSHIP DRIVE & OFFICIAL GIVEAWAY

MAY 29TH-JUNE 2ND

★ 10 BOOKS ★ 5 DAYS ★

AMAZON FREEBIES
SIGNED COPIES
BOOKS GIVEN AWAY DAILY!

Everyone Burns by John Dolan, FREE ON AMAZON US
May 29th–June 2nd

The Escape of Princess Madeline by Kirstin Pulioff, FREE ON AMAZON US

May 29th–May 31st

American Midnight by B.R. Snow, FREE ON AMAZON US

May 30th, May 31st, June 1st

The Ruby Brooch by Katherine Lowry Logan, FREE ON AMAZON US

June 1st & 2nd

—————————————————————————————–
THE FOLLOWING NOVELS ARE OFFERED VIA
RAFFLECOPTER GIVEAWAY
ALL ENTRANTS MUST JOIN ‘MODERN GOOD READS’ GROUP

http://www.goodreads.com/group/show/99986-modern-good-reads

—————————————————————————————–

—————————————————————————————–
Be sure to leave a blog post to indicate you are a MEMBER of
MODERN GOOD READS (mandatory for entry to the giveaway)

http://www.goodreads.com/group/show/99986-modern-good-reads

—————————————————————————————–

a Rafflecopter giveaway

May 26

Larrikin Gene has Launched

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to let you know that my new book, Larrikin Gene, has launched on Amazon.

Larrikin Cover 12-30-2012 medium

Here’s the link: http://amzn.to/10tqmMa

The paperback version will also be launching in the very near future.

I hope you get a chance to check it out. I think you’ll really enjoy it.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

Be well, my friends.

Bernie

Apr 20

Larrikin Gene – A Damaged Po$$e Novel Launching Soon



Hi everyone,

Sorry I’ve been a bit incommunicado of late. I’ve been busily working on a couple of projects, most notably Larrikin Gene which will be launching in the near future. And as soon as I have the actual release date, I will let you know. Pretty much everyone is back from the first book in the series, American Midnight, and I think you’ll agree that the Po$$e is in great form.

In the meantime, I thought you might like to take a look at the cover and the blurb as well as get a sneak peek at the first chapter.



Larrikin Cover 12-30-2012 medium




Gene has a bit of a problem. Several actually. He’s wrapping up a year-long, high-end matchmaking scam that has proven to be most profitable but, in the process, he’s lost the love of his life to a billionaire. Now to help mend his broken heart, he’s back in Las Vegas finishing up another lucrative scam. But the FBI is on his trail and Gene discovers that the agent in charge is none other than the hapless Roger Gentry, a high school acquaintance with whom he shares a tenuous past. To make matters worse, Gene is soon sleeping with the other agent on the case who turns out to be Gentry’s fiancé.

To cool things off, Gene decides it’s time for a well deserved vacation Down Under. He brings his father along, an ex-convict whose biggest wish in life is to work one scam with his son before he dies. And before Gene can even get a chance to catch his breath and enjoy his time off, he finds himself running the ultimate con; one that threatens to irrevocably change his life. Fortunately for Gene, the Po$$e needs his help and Doc, Summerman and Merlin follow him to Australia to do a little recruiting and provide Gene with a possible way out of his current predicament.



Cold beer, beachfront property, elaborate double crosses and exploding pigs. What more could you want? Larrikin Gene delivers a touching but hysterical take on the question of nature versus nurture. This second installment in the Damaged Po$$e series provides additional testimony to what was said about the series’ first book, American Midnight; this is a series to watch out for.




Chapter One




I stared into the mirror at the man in the dark blue suit. It could have been any man, any suit. Unfortunately for him, it just happened to be this man, that suit. And after three and a half martinis the man’s mood matched the suit’s color. I studied him as he stood, removed and folded the jacket, then draped it over the adjacent empty barstool. He checked his hair in the mirror behind the bar, brushed some stray hairs back in place, and sucked in his stomach. He cast a slow furtive look around the bar then sat back down.

I almost felt sorry for the man in the blue suit. I often manage to find some degree of sympathy for men like him and, at first glance, it might appear to be one of my better traits. Actually, it’s just me looking for my good side.

Soon the man in the blue suit would firmly believe fate had brought me to this bar, at this time. In fact, not only would he believe it, he would tell me so. Somewhere into his next martini he would turn his head towards me, touch my arm, and speak in hushed tones in an attempt to display confidentiality and a sense of intimacy. But I would know that the softness of his voice was designed to conceal weakness. And fear.

He would profess genuine gratitude and pronounce eternal friendship in the manner that only sad drunks have truly mastered. He would be verbose, then morose. Charming, then sullen. One minute, a playful young boy. And then the next he would dissolve into a world-weary old man. And at the exact moment when he truly believed I was the best friend a man like him could have, I would order another round and make my move.

For I was far from becoming this man’s best friend. The savior role he had in mind for me, even at this early point in our friendship, was misplaced. But misguided men, driven by ego and a misplaced sense of their own destiny, make bad decisions all the time.

Perhaps, when surrounded by bank statements or the comforts of their chosen profession, they feel less vulnerable.

Perhaps, when surrounded by others of their own ilk, they feel more protected.

Perhaps, others surrounding them simply don’t notice.

Perhaps.

Mirrors offer self-reflection only to those searching for it.

I finished the last of my martini, sucked the pimento from the olive and ordered two more with a casual wave. The man in the blue suit slumped forward and ran a hand through his dwindling hair. The creative comb over on display earlier had disappeared and now two large bald spots threatening a merger shined under a bank of overhead lights. He wiped both hands with a napkin and sipped from his fresh martini before it even had time to get comfortable on the bar.

I glanced down at my own drink, lifted it by the stem, and savored the frigid stream that trickled down my throat. The first taste of frostbitten Grey Goose, like one’s initial encounter with any fresh object of desire, was always the most satisfying. No matter how much pleasure one took from the overall experience, after the initial sensory overload, from that point forward, everything was pretty much downhill. I carefully returned my glass to its place of honor on the bar and swiveled ninety degrees.

****


“I know, John.” I nodded in sad agreement. “I know exactly what you’re talking about.”

John glanced over at me, forced a smile and refocused on his drink.

“Most people would spend all night debating that.”

“Debating what?”

I nodded my head at his drink. “Whether your glass is half full or half empty.”

“I always thought that it was a good question. Which is it for you?”

I smiled as he hit the hook. I decided to let him run and tire himself out before reeling him in.

“For me, John, that question has always been irrelevant. The real issue is about control. Most people go through life debating half-empty, half-full with pop culture concepts they’ve picked up from self-help books. And like George Carlin said, if you get advice from a book someone else has written, that’s not self-help; that’s help.”

“I loved Carlin. I saw him at the MGM in Vegas one time and he did this bit about-”

“Yes, I know John.” I placed a hand on his forearm. “But I want you to stay with me. Okay?”

“I’m with you, buddy. I’m with you.”

“Good. Now, as I was saying, most people don’t get what I’m about to tell you. Whatever amount is in the glass is completely under your control. Too much in the glass? Pound that baby back. Drain it dry. Not enough in it? Order a fresh one.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

“Are you telling me it’s my round?”

“No, John.” I laughed and squeezed his forearm. “What I’m telling you is that you control everything. You have the power to control how much is in your glass. Except, of course, with one very big exception.”

He looked up at the ceiling, then glanced back at me. “Love?”

“Exactly. Love. In the end, it’s the only thing that really matters to people of substance. Sweet…but evasive. Tender…but heart wrenching. The eternal quest beaten back by the demands of daily life.”

“Amen.”

“Yes. Amen, my brother. But even prayers have failed you on your quest for love. Haven’t they, John?”

“Yes,” he whispered. He drained his glass and waved a finger in the direction of the bartender.

I looked away as he dabbed a napkin at the corner of one eye. This close to closing the deal, I didn’t want him embarrassed. I needed him strong and decisive. Let him feel weak and powerless on his own dime.

I waited until the fresh martinis arrived then recaptured his stare in the mirror. “And when everything, including prayer, fails, you’re forced under cover of darkness to confront the question all of us face at one time or another.”

He turned his head towards me and waited.

I took a slow sip of frostbite.

“What’s the question?”

“Is this all there is?”

“Yes.” He nodded and exhaled. “Yes, that is the question isn’t it?”

“And it’s at that precise moment, in that perfect moment of clarity, when the question of whether the glass is half-full or half-empty becomes meaningless. If you’ve got the wrong glass, John, why would you care how much is in it?”

“Fuckin’ ay.”

“Exactly. I know you, John. I meet men like you all the time. It’s my business to meet men like you. And when I meet them, do you know what I do?”

“No” he said, raising an eyebrow.

“I help them, John. I help them.”

“That’s very nice of you.”

“Well, thank you, John. That’s nice of you to say. Would you mind if I told you a little bit about yourself.”

“I wish somebody would.”

I slowly began to reel him in. I tested the hook. Secure. He wasn’t going anywhere. “Right now, you’re at a point in your life where you should be jumping out of bed at the crack of dawn every day.”

“But I do,” he said. “Well, actually I don’t jump. Lately, it’s been more of a crawl.”

“That’s precisely my point, John. You should be on top of the world but you feel like life has nothing to offer. Despite your success, you feel like you’re wasting away. You’re getting up at five because you feel you have to, not because you can’t wait to see what the day will bring.”

“How do you know that?”

“Like I said, John. It’s my business to know. You’re in your mid thirties, you’ve killed yourself getting to this point and now the people in your firm believe that, even if you don’t walk on water, you at least know where all the rocks are. You’ve got a nice place on the Westside worth in the neighborhood of three or four million. You’ve got the Jag or the 740 for work and the SUV in the garage for weekends just to show everyone you’re still a regular guy. You go to Vegas and stay at the Bellagio because they’ve gotten to know you and make you feel like a high roller. You usually take along some fresh wannabe starlet with juices sweet enough to put in your coffee. But in the back of your mind, you know she’s only there because it’s a free weekend and maybe, just maybe, you’ll spring for a boob job. So after giving her a couple grand to gamble then dinner and a show, she fulfills the unspoken demands from her side of the deal.”

“And cocktails.”

“What?”

“Don’t forget all the cocktails.”

“Well, sure. That goes without saying. Try to stay with me here, John.”

“I’m with you. I’m with you.”

“So finally you’re there for the first time. And it’s fresh and new. But mid-stroke you’re either trying to convince yourself she’s worth the effort or you’re fantasizing about Peggy Sue from high school who took your cherry in the backseat of your father’s Ford.”

“Chevy.”

“What?”

“It was a Chevy. Dad worked for GM.”

“Chevy. Got it. Stay with me here, John. So while you’re sipping your nightcap in solitary because she just had to have a shower, you smile to yourself and say at least she’s not a hooker. Because you’ve convinced yourself that you’ve never paid for it before in your life. Haven’t you, John?”

“Yes,” he said, nodding. “I’ve never paid for it.”

I smiled and sipped my drink. It was deteriorating rapidly. I motioned to the bartender.

“Can you please shake what’s left with fresh ice?”

The bartender nodded and left with my glass. Moments later he returned with a fresh glass of frostbite. I took a sip, found it lacking and turned back to my new friend. He, too, was in desperate need of fresh ice.

“Every one of those weekends, unless you get lucky at the tables, costs you around ten large. Maybe more depending on how much shopping you let her do. In a year those weekends, plus the other trips to Europe and Hawaii, end up costing you a hundred, maybe two hundred grand. I hate to say this, John. But you’ve been paying for it for a long time.”

I fell silent and went back to my drink. Through the mirror I watched him chew on his lower lip.

“But what you really want, desperately crave is one woman,” I whispered. “One woman you could be sure loved you. Someone you’d be happy to spend all your money on and spoil rotten.”

“Yes. I do.”

“I do.” I smiled. “Your deepest desire is to be able to repeat that phrase in the most traditional of settings. To find a woman of intelligence. A woman you can have an intelligent conversation with. A woman successful in her own field. Not a wannabe, but an already is. Someone mature. Someone who can captivate a room full of heavyweights over dinner, then take you back to the house you share and fuck you like a whore. Someone who wants you inside her, not out of obligation, but simply because she loves it. Needs it. That’s what you crave, John. That’s what you need. That’s what all of us need, John. And all you have to do is have the courage to change the glass.”

“Change the glass.”

“I have that glass, John.”

He suddenly turned all business and swirled his glass in front of him. I waited patiently. I was about to pull him into the boat and didn’t want any extreme movements that might snap the line or let him to wriggle away. I sipped my drink and waited out the silence.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Twenty-five thousand is a lot of money.”

“Yes, it is.” I placed a hand on his shoulder. “But tell me, John. How much money have you spent the past five years looking for the right woman?”

“Probably half a million. Maybe more,” he whispered.

I whistled softly. The bartender glanced up from his magazine and caught my eye. I shook my head and he disappeared back into the World’s 50 Most Beautiful People.

“Half a million? Jesus, John. If you’re looking for a way to blow your money on cheap thrills, cocaine’s cheaper.”

“So if I sign up what guarantee do I get?”

“You get a guarantee that I will personally identify three extraordinarily successful and beautiful women who fit your personality and lifestyle perfectly. You will mutually decide what type of first date the two of you would prefer over the phone and then, once I am satisfied that the logistics are finalized to both parties satisfaction, you’re on your own.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it? Let me ask you, John. How many women like the type I just described have you met, let alone gone out with the past year?”

“I meet successful and beautiful women all the time.”

“Let me rephrase it. How many have you met that are not only available, but are looking for exactly the same thing you are at this precise moment in time?”

“None.”

“None.” I drained my martini. “Change the glass, John. It’s time to change the glass.”

Jan 13

Off and Running in 2013

Hi folks,

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and Holiday Season. Ours was fantastic and Laurie and I would like to wish you and your family a fantastic 2013! (Stella is giving us the two paws up sign so she wants to add her best wishes as well.)

I thought I’d use this post to do a quick recap on 2012 and give you some idea about what I’m currently working on and when you can expect to see a new book.

Right out of the box just after New Year’s, I got an email from Indieviews, a blog that features indie writers. They are, to say the least, a collection of troubled individuals but we both had a lot of fun with the interview. I’m still assessing the potential career damage but I think I’ll survive it. The link below will take you to the entire interview but I’ve included a few of the questions and my answers to give you a taste of what you can expect. (Be warned, like I said, they are definitely playing with less than a full deck.)

http://indieview.weebly.com/the-indieviews.html

6. Is it true that you took part in an “Occupy McDonald’s” event, and not even the organizers could get you out of there (after nine days)?

Again? Aren’t you people ever going to let this one go? I was young and still an advocate for important causes. We were simply trying to get our point across that the McRib sandwich should be a permanent menu item and not relegated to part-time status and a mere pawn in recycled marketing campaigns. It’s the McRib for God sakes! Don’t get me started…anyway, the occupation ended peacefully on Day 10 after somebody showed me a You Tube video on how Chicken McNuggets are made. It was at that point that I got my ass out of there.

<We’ll find you a support group, B.>

7. Have you lost the Aussie accent yet?

Sadly, I lost it two years ago in a tragic accident at the Tuvan National Throat Singing Competition. Long story that involves an electrical short and an overzealous Yak…but I digress. The accent recently surfaced on EBay and I’m in the process of hunting down the bastard who’s trying to capitalize on my misfortune.

If this is what I have to look forward to, it’s going to be a long year!

2012 Recap

Last year finished on a high note as all four of my books ended up doing very well on several Goodreads lists. And I’d like to thank all of you who took the time to vote. I really appreciate all your help and support.

All four of my books ended up in the Top 10 in the Best Indie Books of 2012 list out of close to 900 books so obviously I’m very pleased by that.

Divorce Hotel cover thumbnail with text

Divorce Hotel continues to be very popular and I’m starting to think about doing a sequel. (I’m beginning to think that you’re never going to stop bugging me about doing it so I might as well just write the friggin thing.) I’m still playing around with various ideas and ways to keep it fresh and not repeat myself but, right now, I’m thinking about perhaps using a Christmas homecoming as the basis…you’ll be the first to hear when I finally decide what to do.

As far as Goodreads goes, Divorce Hotel landed out several Best of 2012 lists.

Here’s a sample:

* Best Books of 2012 – Top 100
* Best Indie Books of 2012 – #4
* Books That Made Me Laugh Out Loud – Top 10
* Best Unknown Books That Must Be Known – Top 25

I just got this review of Divorce Hotel the other day from Robert Carter, an author I have enormous respect for. I thought I’d pass it along.

I just finished reading Divorce Hotel and it is an excellent read! My wife got pissed with me because I was reading late at night in bed and couldn’t stop laughing. The plot is beautifully constructed and I loved the way the author introduced the characters, and grew their storylines. A satisfying comedy, with a great dramatic shape. Robert Carter – Author of Sheer Purgatory…and a host of others.

By the way, I highly recommend Robert’s books. Thanks again for the 5 star review, Robert. So glad you enjoyed it!

The Damaged Po$$e series also did very well this year. Here’s a sample of where American Midnight, Sneaker World, and Summerman landed on various lists:

American Midnight Cover thumb 10-12-2012

sneaker world cover new 4-28-2012 copy

Summerman new cover 6-10-2012 copy

* Best New Series of 2012

American Midnight – The Damaged Po$$e – #3

* Best Indie Books of 2012

American Midnight - Top 10
Sneaker WorldTop 10
SummermanTop 10

* Books That Made Me Laugh Out Loud

American Midnight – Top 10
Sneaker World – Top 10
Summerman – Top 10

* Best Unknown Books That Must Be Known

American Midnight - Top 50
Sneaker WorldTop 50
SummermanTop 50

Looking Ahead to 2013

I’m currently working on two new books that will be launched this year. The first is Larrikin Gene, #2 in the Damaged Po$$e series. (Yes, I know some of you are scratching your head and saying “But #3 (Sneaker World) and #4 (Summerman) are already out…can’t you count?”) Larrikin is pretty much done but I’m still not completely happy with it so I continue to do some tweaking. It won’t be long and going back to the second book after you’ve already read the others won’t hurt your understanding or disrupt the flow of the series.

Larrikin Cover 12-30-2012 small copy

Larrikin Gene features Gene, and deals with how he ends up joining Doc and the rest of the Po$$e. Set in Vegas and Australia, it’s a funny take on nature vs nurture as Gene, a con artist teams up with his father, a recovering criminal himself, on a land scam that gets a bit of control to say the least.

Here’s a few definitions that will give you feel for what’s going on along with a quote from Merlin.

(You just knew that he’d have something to say about it.)

Larrikin
Australian – A boisterous, often badly behaved young man with an apparent disregard for convention.

Gene
A portion of a DNA molecule that serves as the basic unit of heredity.

“Where do I stand on the question of nature versus nurture? Well, I have a science background so I understand the powerful impact that genetics have on shaping a person’s intelligent, choices, and motivations. But, on the other hand, when I fuck up, it’s always easier just to blame my parents.”
Merlin

Boomer Planet Cover small 12-31-2012 copy

Inside the Mellifluous Mind of Boomer Planet is a standalone novel about a radio talk show host, Boomer Planet, who broadcasts his show from inside his house in Austin. He ends up being kidnapped by what I call the Gang That Can’t Walk and Chew Gum at the Same Time. During the kidnapping, the police surround the house which prevents the kidnappers from making their escape with Boomer and the rest of his staff. While the kidnappers try to figure a way out of the mess they have created, Boomer continues to broadcast his show during his captivity. It’s a very funny take on celebrity, intergenerational relationships, and what is truly important in life. I’m having a ball writing this one and I think you’re going to enjoy it. I’m shooting for a summer launch.

Here’s a short snippet from Chapter One:

Boomer glanced through the window and shook his head. On the other side of the soundproof booth, his producer held up three fingers and tapped her watch. As the caller’s ramble continued, Boomer popped four Advil and washed them down with orange juice. Swathed in leather, he leaned back and waited.

For the Advil to kick in.

For a chance to get a word in.

For the cretinous chatterbox on the other end of the line to run out of gas.

“And still the government does nothin’ about it…nothin’, nada, zip, bupkus. Boomer…they don’t do nothin’. You know what I’m talking about, Boomer?”

Boomer leaned forward and dropped both elbows on the desk. “You’re saying the government doesn’t do anything about it.”

“I knew you’d understand, Boomer.”

Boomer rubbed his forehead. “Jimmy, I hate to say this. But I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“Just what I said. I gotta tell ya, Jimmy…” Boomer’s lips brushed the microphone and whispered, “you lost me at hello.”

Boomer beamed at the silent laughter coming from inside the control booth and downed the rest of his orange juice.

“Let me see if I’ve got this straight, Jimmy. Everybody on your block, including your wife, has had their brains and bodies taken over by a secret government project.”

“No, by aliens.”

“Oh, I see. Aliens you say.”

“But the government is in on it. It’s a conspiracy. That’s why they ain’t sayin’, or doin nothin’ about it.”

“Just your block?”

“Yeah. But I’m keeping a close eye on one of the guys at 7-11.”

“Good idea. I hear they always go for the convenience stores first. There’s something about those 99 cent hotdogs that drives them wild.”

“Yeah, I think heard that too. But they’re just getting started. Pretty soon it’ll be the whole town.”

“Any idea why aliens would be so interested in Omaha?”

“Beef and corn.”

“Beef and corn?”

“Yeah, food…and fuel for their spaceships.”

“Hotdogs, steak and corn on the cob. You better tell Homeland Security to be on high alert the 4th of July.

“That’s good advice, Boomer.”

“It’s what I do, Jimmy. Say, how’s the wife handling all this?”

“What does she know? She’s a damn alien.”

Boomer glanced through the glass. Maria smiled but shook her head no. But the smile never left her face. Eventually she nodded and touched her thumb and index finger together, her signal to proceed, but go easy. Boomer nodded and returned to the microphone.

“Since I’ve got you on the line, Jimmy, I just gotta ask…what’s it like?”

“What’s what like?”

“Sex with an alien.”

“Huh?”

“Well, you gotta admit, Jimmy, you’re in a pretty unique position. Not many people ever get an opportunity to…be intimate with an alien. And we all have a ton of questions about aliens. Are the parts all the same? Do they make a lot of noise? Do they, like me, immediately fall asleep afterwards? There’s probably a book deal, maybe even a movie in it.”

“Ya think?”

“Sure. Say, who do you see playing you? I’m seeing Charlize Theron as the alien. Your wife, that is. But I can’t quite get a handle on who should play you. What do you think?”

Boomer waited.

“Gee, I don’t know, Boomer. That’s a tough one. Maybe Wilford Brimley?”

*****

Be well, my friends. I’ll be in touch soon.

Bernie

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